Was this the first time? Did you initiate? Did you try to resist? How did it feel? Were you looking for something? What did you find? What she found was unexpected and important. Rather than being a symptom of a problem, infidelity was more often described as an expansive experience that involves growth, exploration, and transformation.
For some people, an affair affords them an alternate reality in which they can re-imagine and reinvent ourselves. We are not looking for another lover so much as another version of ourselves. In this view, an affair is neither a symptom nor a pathology but rather, a crisis of identity. Whilst some are invested in the quest for the unexplored self, others find themselves drawn by the memory of the person they once were and dreams about the person they could have been.
During periods of transition such as mid-life and retirement , many people experience the unease that comes with the belief that something crucially important has been missed, neglected or left unexplored in their life. There is a sense of nostalgia for unlived lives and unexplored identities. Affairs, according to Perel are often the revenge of deserted possibilities.
There are big gaps in our knowledge, and those gaps are leaving out the experiences of queer people and people of color. For CE courses, complete course information, including applicable CE approvals and refund, grievance, and accommodations policies, is available via the course link provided above. Get the latest stories from your peers right to your inbox. Pollen Magazine examines the health and wellness industry through the lens of the professionals that are redefining private practice.
Find inspiration, learn from others, and discover insights on how to build the best version of your practice. Free and no spam ever. Unsubscribe anytime. Heads up! It may take a few minutes to arrive. Why Do Happy People Cheat? Lauren Diethelm. Why People Cheat The desire to be unfaithful is not limited by gender, sexuality, or age. The Difference with Happy Relationships In happy relationships, someone might cheat not because they are dissatisfied with their partner, but because they are dissatisfied with themselves.
How Couples Counseling Helps with Infidelity Grappling with infidelity can lead to a lot of emotional distress—both in couples and in their counselor. More Stories. Iris Kimberg. Share on whatsapp.
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On Key. What we can learn from Infidelity Statistics Far too often, people try to understand infidelity only after it rears its ugly head in their relationships. Infidelity happens in bad marriages and in good marriages. It happens even in open relationships where extramarital sex is carefully negotiated beforehand. The freedom to leave or divorce has not made cheating obsolete. So why do people cheat?
And why do happy people cheat? She vaunts the merits of her conjugal life, and assures me that Colin is everything she always dreamed of in a husband. Clearly she subscribes to the conventional wisdom when it comes to affairs—that diversions happen only when something is missing in the marriage. If you have everything you need at home—as modern marriage promises—you should have no reason to go elsewhere.
Hence, infidelity must be a symptom of a relationship gone awry. The symptom theory has several problems. First, it reinforces the idea that there is such a thing as a perfect marriage that will inoculate us against wanderlust. But our new marital ideal has not curbed the number of men and women who wander. In fact, in a cruel twist of fate, it is precisely the expectation of domestic bliss that may set us up for infidelity.
Once, we strayed because marriage was not supposed to deliver love and passion. Today, we stray because marriage fails to deliver the love and passion it promised. Second, infidelity does not always correlate neatly with marital dysfunction. Yes, in plenty of cases an affair compensates for a lack or sets up an exit. Insecure attachment, conflict avoidance, prolonged lack of sex, loneliness, or just years of rehashing the same old arguments—many adulterers are motivated by domestic discord. And then there are the repeat offenders, the narcissists who cheat with impunity simply because they can.
However, therapists are confronted on a daily basis with situations that defy these well-documented reasons. Many of these individuals were faithful for years, sometimes decades. They seem to be well balanced, mature, caring, and deeply invested in their relationship. Yet one day, they crossed a line they never imagined they would cross. For a glimmer of what? I want to understand what the affair means for them. Why did you do it? Why him?
Why her? Why now? Was this the first time? Did you initiate? Did you try to resist? How did it feel? Were you looking for something? What did you find? One of the most uncomfortable truths about an affair is that what for Partner A may be an agonizing betrayal may be transformative for Partner B. Extramarital adventures are painful and destabilizing, but they can also be liberating and empowering.
Understanding both sides is crucial, whether a couple chooses to end the relationship or intends to stay together, to rebuild and revitalize.
Let me assure you that I do not approve of deception or take betrayal lightly. I sit with the devastation in my office every day. Not condemning does not mean condoning, and there is a world of difference between understanding and justifying.
My role as a therapist is to create a space where the diversity of experiences can be explored with compassion. People stray for a multitude of reasons, I have discovered, and every time I think I have heard them all, a new variation emerges. I feel like a teenager with a boyfriend. As I listen to her, I start to suspect that her affair is about neither her husband nor their relationship.
Her story echoes a theme that has come up repeatedly in my work: affairs as a form of self-discovery, a quest for a new or lost identity. For these seekers, infidelity is less likely to be a symptom of a problem, and more likely an expansive experience that involves growth, exploration, and transformation. Cheating is cheating, whatever fancy New Age labels you want to put on it. Intimate betrayal feels intensely personal—a direct attack in the most vulnerable place.
And yet I often find myself asking jilted lovers to consider a question that seems ludicrous to them: What if the affair had nothing to do with you? We are not looking for another lover so much as another version of ourselves.
Perhaps this explains why so many people subscribe to the symptom theory. Blaming a failed marriage is easier than grappling with our existential conundrums, our longings, our ennui. The problem is that, unlike the drunk, whose search is futile, we can always find problems in a marriage. They just may not be the right keys to unlock the meaning of the affair.
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